10 Reasons Why Soulja Boy Needs to Go Platinum in a Week

Written by Rizoh. Posted in Gumbo

Published on December 03, 2008 with 24 Comments">24 Comments


It’s tough selling a million records these days, especially if you’re one of the most hated hip-hop artists on the planet. So, Soulja Boy launched a “Platinum in a Week” campaign in a bid to spur his fans into action come December 16th when his sophomore album, iSouljaBoyTellem, is scheduled for release. Soulja Boy highlighted some obvious reasons why he’d like to sell a million CDs in a video blog (see below), but we all know the devil is in the details. See the real reason why Soulja Boy needs to go platinum after the cut.


10. Jimmy Iovine gave him an ultimatum and he ain’t trying to go back to Jack in the Box

9. He needs the money to continue his fight against obesity via calorie-burning dance moves

8. His Gucci-branded trash can needs a new girlfriend and those things don’t come cheap

7. He’s all about “ice and tattoos”

6. He needs a consolation prize for all the time spent thinking up words that rhyme with “oh”

5. He needs the plaque to remind his grand-kids of a time when rap was still legal

4. He wants to stimulate the U.S. economy. Just do the math: $12.99 x 1,000,000

3. He needs it for books and tuition, in case rap doesn’t work out

2. He needs it for an emergency savings account, in case rap doesn’t work out

1. He needs the money for a bulletproof vest because Ice T don’t play that shit

Rizoh

Rizoh is the most powerful man in all the lands. He lives in Houston where he earned a BS in Nerf Herding. He's the founder of The Rap Up, the editor of Roc4Life.com, and is in the Grammy-awaiting band Pervertable Disciples.

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  • Mason

    Soulja boy is a clown. I wish he will just go away.

  • Mason

    Soulja boy is a clown. I wish he will just go away.

  • j5kool

    right on the money

  • j5kool

    right on the money

  • franchise

    #11. He needs to recoup all the money he wasted on his rained-out, wack-ass Super Sweet 16 party.

  • franchise

    #11. He needs to recoup all the money he wasted on his rained-out, wack-ass Super Sweet 16 party.

  • B3N

    Soulja Boy. Erg. All this time, I’m complaining about Kanye’s “808s”, when THIS is the real cancer affecting our beloved industry.

    Apparently, Mr. “Superman That Ho” has a kryptonite: common sense.

    The only person who should be impressed with Soulja Boy’s songs is Lil’ John (“Woah, you mean he memorizes more than 5 words per song? That’s hardly believable at all!”)

    50 said he’d quit if Kan outsold him. I think everybody should quit if Soulja Boy goes platinum in a week. At that point, hip-hop is dead. No, not Nas “dead,” literally D-E-A-D.

    And other random disses.

    Okay, I’m done.

  • B3N

    Soulja Boy. Erg. All this time, I’m complaining about Kanye’s “808s”, when THIS is the real cancer affecting our beloved industry.

    Apparently, Mr. “Superman That Ho” has a kryptonite: common sense.

    The only person who should be impressed with Soulja Boy’s songs is Lil’ John (“Woah, you mean he memorizes more than 5 words per song? That’s hardly believable at all!”)

    50 said he’d quit if Kan outsold him. I think everybody should quit if Soulja Boy goes platinum in a week. At that point, hip-hop is dead. No, not Nas “dead,” literally D-E-A-D.

    And other random disses.

    Okay, I’m done.

  • LA Huey

    You guys are idiots. You can’t see it? Alright, I’ll spell it out.
    It’s all part of the Prez-Elect’s grand plan. Not only is he going to return our country to prominence, he plans to do the same with hip-hop. Mr. 44 is going to “silence” everyone who buys the CD. That should get rid of the lot stupid hip-hop consumers and the money made from the sales will help form the next stimulus package.
    You’re welcome, everyone. No need to thank me, just don’t overreact when Paris Hilton and others try to follow Agt. Tell-em with their own campaigns.

  • LA Huey

    You guys are idiots. You can’t see it? Alright, I’ll spell it out.
    It’s all part of the Prez-Elect’s grand plan. Not only is he going to return our country to prominence, he plans to do the same with hip-hop. Mr. 44 is going to “silence” everyone who buys the CD. That should get rid of the lot stupid hip-hop consumers and the money made from the sales will help form the next stimulus package.
    You’re welcome, everyone. No need to thank me, just don’t overreact when Paris Hilton and others try to follow Agt. Tell-em with their own campaigns.

  • thedaydreamercreative.blogspot

    he’s funny as shit tho. WHY? lol

  • thedaydreamercreative.blogspot.com

    he’s funny as shit tho. WHY? lol

  • Mr. IHateRappers

    This nigga go plat in a week and i’m done with hip-hop. I fucking love hip-hop but this would mean this bitch never really loved me. Only soft rock and indie bands for me after that shit.

  • Mr. IHateRappers

    This nigga go plat in a week and i’m done with hip-hop. I fucking love hip-hop but this would mean this bitch never really loved me. Only soft rock and indie bands for me after that shit.

  • Bustopher Jones

    Blame that nicca Collipark!!! He drives a new nail in hip-hops coffin with each artist he puts out.

  • Bustopher Jones

    Blame that nicca Collipark!!! He drives a new nail in hip-hops coffin with each artist he puts out.

  • D-Rock

    Finally, a campaign I can get behind. Tell em, Soulja Boy!

  • D-Rock

    Finally, a campaign I can get behind. Tell em, Soulja Boy!

  • mimi

    why are yall hating on that boy, saying he killed hip hop,where is the bible telling you how hip hop is supposed to be? all hip hop artists should be glad it didnt become a fad as it easily could have been.obviously he has fans so someone wants to hear it, 12, and 13 year olds shouldnt be listening to 50 cent should they? so why couldnt this be a genre inside of hip hop that teenagers like. people that are saying he wack youre dissing his fans,and you shouldnt diss people for what the hell they wanna listein to!!!

  • mimi

    why are yall hating on that boy, saying he killed hip hop,where is the bible telling you how hip hop is supposed to be? all hip hop artists should be glad it didnt become a fad as it easily could have been.obviously he has fans so someone wants to hear it, 12, and 13 year olds shouldnt be listening to 50 cent should they? so why couldnt this be a genre inside of hip hop that teenagers like. people that are saying he wack youre dissing his fans,and you shouldnt diss people for what the hell they wanna listein to!!!

  • HUMAN CRACK IN THE FLESH

    Mimi, nobody’s hatin on soulja boy, they’re stating the truth. He sucks balls!! Nothing in life should be about the lowest common denominator and that’s what this boy has reduced rap to ( and it ain’t just him!!) And as far as kids go, maybe you don’t know what supermaning and super soaking a “ho” is, but I do, and I don’t want my kid listening to that and you shouldn’t let yours listen either!!
    Peace

  • HUMAN CRACK IN THE FLESH

    Mimi, nobody’s hatin on soulja boy, they’re stating the truth. He sucks balls!! Nothing in life should be about the lowest common denominator and that’s what this boy has reduced rap to ( and it ain’t just him!!) And as far as kids go, maybe you don’t know what supermaning and super soaking a “ho” is, but I do, and I don’t want my kid listening to that and you shouldn’t let yours listen either!!
    Peace

  • Zane

    4. He wants to stimulate the U.S. economy. Just do the math: $12.99 x 1,000,000,000

    A million has only six zeroes, 1,000,000

  • Zane

    4. He wants to stimulate the U.S. economy. Just do the math: $12.99 x 1,000,000,000

    A million has only six zeroes, 1,000,000