There’s nothing that the public adores more than a wedding, especially when it comes to celebrities. Because after the orchids, lace, Bentleys, paparazzi and champagne are gone the bushwhacked reality of celebrity is always spawned out of recently wedded bliss. Divorce, custody battles, cheating, strippers, spending sprees, bankruptcy, Celebrity Rehab, babies and more were born and bred out of the (mostly) half-thought machinations of the celebrity mind for the general public’s delight and total consumption.
All that being said, what if for one night only in a perfect universe, we could play cupid to our favorite rap and R&B artists? They’d be the Pinocchio to our Geppetto, minus the growing nose and Jonahesque adventures in the gastrointestinal workings of a whale. We’d get to play matchmaker – and the result? Some of the coolest fictional babies ever thunk up. Pop the lid to witness the diaper changing, baby food feeding, breast pumping madness that we call Hip-Hop Babies.
Missy Rhymes – Busta Rhymes & Missy Elliott
Born into a house made of platinum hits, Missy Rhymes, the late-in-life lovechild of Busta Rhymes and Missy Elliott, grows up wanting to be a rapper like her father. The perfect hybrid of Busta’s machine gun flow and her mother’s almost kinky production style, Missy Rhymes produces her self-titled album and releases it at 17. Influenced by hip-hop’s music and style from when her parents’ careers’ took off, her B-Girl look and actual rapping skills blow the likes of Nicki Minaj and Charli Baltimore wannabes out of the water. Eventually she follows her mother’s footsteps and transitions herself into a producer.
Keyshia Simmons – DMX & Keyshia Cole
A seeming recipe for disaster, not to mention drug abuse and domestic violence, R&B maven Keyshia Cole and washed-up rapper DMX meet at a New York afterparty. 6 weeks later the two are wed with daughter Keyshia Simmons on the way. K2, her self-proclaimed stage name, grows up in the relative shadows of her parents and envisions herself a star like her mother. Her dreams of being an entertainer are sidetracked due to her father’s psychological problems and as her mother spends more and more time trying to keep Earl from going off the deep end, K2 begins to feel estranged from her parents. She releases a couple albums with a small indie label to little fanfare and disappears into relative obscurity.
Shade Parker – KRS-One & Sade
Born into a family with countless, deep ties to the music industry, Shade sees the explosive potential of managing acts, as he wasn’t gifted his father’s gift of rhyme or his mother’s voice, and after his college graduation he parlays his parents’ connections into forming his own talent agency. Influenced by his father’s dedication to promoting quality rap music and his mother’s business sense he becomes the next generation’s Puff Daddy. Shade eventually grows his talent agency into a formidable force but does take some hits regarding his company’s direction as critics cite his ever-growing taste for mainstream artists and revenue streams.
Corey Badu – Murs & Erykah Badu
It must have been the intoxicating follicle count on the evening Murs and neosoul singer Erykah Badu met but nine months later son, Corey Badu (Erykah wanted to keep her last name) was born. Corey grows up Los Angeles, where his father is from, and is raised like an average kid from the City of Angels. To both his parents insistence, as well as his own, Corey goes to UCLA to pursue an education in dentistry. Yes, he is one of those kids who doesn’t have or want anything to do with the industry his parents were in. He sets up a practice in Brentwood and lives there with his wife and two daughters.
Tameka Harris – T.I. & Tameka Cottle
Not a ton of thought went into this one and not a lot needed to. The woman is staying with T.I. though his prison term and deals with his controlling personality on a daily basis. Not the kind of foundation I would want in a relationship but there’s got to be something behind the scenes that makes it work for them. Daughter Tameka Harris is born nine months to the day that T.I.P. is released from prison. Coincidence? She grows up in a fairytale world that her father finances, though her mother keeps her grounded for the most part. A failed attempt at a singing career squashes her hopes of going down the path her mother so aptly walked so she uses Grand Hustle’s purse to start her own clothing line. The pressures and realities of running a company force her to mellow her diva side out just to prevent her from starring in The Real Housewives of Atlanta and just enough to snare her a man.
Jill Bavitz – Aesop Rock & Jill Scott
Jill Bavitz was born into an inherently musical household. Her father and mother, both artists, nurtured young Jill’s talent initially but her natural, uncanny skill began to surprise both at an early age. By the time she was 16 she was performing with her mother and pushed that avenue into forming her own neosoul/folk career. In a Comic-Con world, she’s Pheonix to her parents’ Cyclops and Jean Grae.
Alicia Lynn – Common & Alicia Keys
This baby hit the genetic jackpot, and not SuperLOTTO Plus-type jackpot, I’m talking about MegaMillions jackpot. Between the looks of both her parents and the musical talent, daughter Alicia Lynn grows up in a household where her parents stress her education and keep her out of the limelight, but as soon as she comes of age and is spotted, her assets catch the attention of just about anyone with a camera. She gets into modeling and uses that career, and her image, to start her own agency.
Brooklyn Carter – Jay-Z & Beyonce
Brooklyn Carter. I honestly believe Jay when he said that’s what he would name his daughter when she was born. I see Jay-Bey pampering that girl to no end when she’s small, and I mean TO NO END, but both of them agree on making her learn what it is to work for something. Jay sets her up with a position in his company and she lives her life out working for her father as a wage-earning, billionaire trust-fund kid/adult. Boring story? I agree.
? – Cassidy & Da Brat
I wanted to put together the most gangster baby theoretically possible with this combination. Despite the fact that Cassidy and Da Brat would probably kill each other in a very Quentin Tarantino-style Mexican Standoff (guns, grenades and all) if placed in a halfway confined area for an extended (more 30 minutes) period of time, their child, Bernard Reese, would serve as the nation’s most gangster toddler. The very concept of this inception served as Katt William’s muse for his roided out, adopted ‘gangster baby’ skit from American Hustle. Truth be told, I need some audience participation on this one because I’m split between two options. Either little Bernard is a gangster’s gangster or he ends up coming out like Fonsworth Bentley. Trubians, which do you see happening?
Chingy & RuPaul
Cheap shot, true, but it was too good to pass up. Ever since Ching-a-ling got exposed as a man who enjoys getting his Ching-a-ling played with by a certain transsexual named Foxxjazell, I’ve been mulling over the various dark alleyways this situation could go down. The solution? Chingy admits his vice and hooks up with RuPaul. It’s a match made in transsexual heaven. Probably very little chance of a biological child here, so the couple adopts. Brad and Angelina, eat your hearts out.