7:00 – The show opens with Kanye standing on top of the mountain, performing “Power,” flames exploding behind him. Now how the hell are you going to top that?
7:03 – BET bleeped out like 5 minutes of the song. Now our kids are safe from the dangerous lyrics of Kanye West.
7:05 – I’m pretty sure Kanye was wearing a size 12 Nike on his neck. Or was that a Jesus piece?
7:11: I love Queen Latifah, but she needs to lose that dress, STAT.
7:12 – Dress off, jacket on. Latifah says: “That feels more like it.” I concur.
7:14 – Jada Pinkett-Smith is here to present the Best Female R&B Artist award. She looks drop dead gorgeous, but she needs a refund from her tanning salon.
7:15 – Alicia Keys edges out Beyonce for Best Female R&B. Surprisingly, Kanye remains in his seat.
7:25 – Usher is performing “There Goes My Baby” with the clouds from Dragon Ball Z behind him.
7:28 Best Female Hip-Hop Artist nominees include someone named Ester Dean. Who? Are we making up people now?
7:29 Nicki Minaj wins Best Female Hip-Hop award. She has 7 bodyguards onstage just in case Lil Kim decides to bumrush the stage.
7:30 – Nicki Minaj is rocking orange hair, green eyeshadow, and pink lipstick. She’s probably paying homage to Charli Baltimore.
7:35 – And the Least Flattering Child Picture award goes to…
7:40 – Drake wins Best Hip-Hop Male, even though his album has been out for less than a week. It’s official, this thing is rigged.
7:50 – Alicia Keys still doesn’t know how to do tacky. She’s overdressed for this event.
8:06 – Why does T.I. sound like the Cookie Monster?
8:08 – Why on earth is Eminem lip-synching?
8:14 – Monica is wearing what looks like a body bag with extra shoulder pads.
8:16 – I don’t understand how people decide what they’re going to wear to these award shows. It’s like Monica woke up and went, “Huh? We’re going to the BET Awards? OK, let me get my shittiest outfit.”
8:18 – And the Best Collaboration goes to Alicia Keys and Jay-Z for “Empire State of Mind.” Alicia accepts the trophy on behalf of the duo.
8:19 – Sorry, Jay-Z couldn’t be here because he had to take out the trash.
8:21 – Diddy-Dirty Money is performing “Hello, Good Morning” alongside T.I. and Nicki Minaj. Everyone’s wearing black tonight.
8:24 – Will someone please translate Nicki Minaj’s verse in English? All I heard was “Jaba jaba jaba jaba, I do it for Young Money.”
8:25 – I can’t tell if Minaj is dancing or having a seizure.
8:35 – The first part of Chris Brown’s MJ tribute is the best performance of the night so far.
8:37 – Chris Brown is tearing up like a Chihuahua in the middle of what’s supposed to be a “Man in the Mirror” performance. Someone in his PR camp is smiling right now, because 2 million girls just forgave him.
8:46 – Drake kicks off his set with “Fireworks,” then “Over.” Song selection, people.
8:53 – Jeezy joins Drake onstage. He’s wearing Busta Rhymes’ jacket.
8:58 – Trey Songz wins Best R&B Male. He’s the only one I know who refers to his mom as “baby.” I’m officially old school – I call my mom “Mom.”
8:59 – Trey’s mom is fly. Latifah will probably try to holla backstage.
9:02 – El Debarge is the fuckin’ man. Hasn’t lost a step after 75 years in the game. For some reason, I keep expecting Al B. Sure to crash the stage.
9:23 – John Legend is here to receive an award for fighting poverty in Africa. His hairline got the day off.
9:25 – Big Boi is higher than a kite. “Put your hands together for Jade Cole.”
9:28 – Oh my, did BET just cut off J Cole’s performance for a commercial break?
9:37 – Trey Songz can’t decide which key he wants to sing in.
9:40 Video of the Year goes to Beyonce & Lady Gaga for “Videophone.”
9:47 Finally. The Prince tribute.
9:48: Watching Stevie Wonder talk about seeing Prince dance reminds me of that Chris Rock routine where he says, “Can we get Stevie Wonder a peak?”
9:49 – Janelle Monae killed her Prince tribute. Prince just cracked a smile. He’s thinking, “Now that’s more my style.”
9:51 – Shit. They even brought out Esperanza Spalding for the Prince tribute. The missing tooth nearly ruined for me though.
9:56 – Alicia Keys left it all on the stage. Prince approves.
9:57 – Patti LaBelle just did major justice to “Purple Rain.” Trey Songz, take note.
9:58 – Patti kicked her shoes off. Prince picked it up for his collection.
10:11 – Chris Brown wins the Fandemonium award. *facepalm*
10:15 – Terrence J just tongue-kissed Rocsi for some reason. Lowest point of the evening. And you didn’t even think that was possible. I quit.
10:20 – How do you follow up a brilliant Prince tribute? Easy: by bringing out the super talented DJ Khaled for the night’s final performance, of course.
10:21 – In his acceptance speech, Prince said he believes that the future of black music is in safe hands based on what he saw at the BET Awards. With all due respect, he’s a fuckin’ liar.