Many of you underestimate the greatness of Brett Favre. I should know–I was one of you until Favre fans started firing angry emails my way. My critics are right to be miffed at my remarks about double standards in American sports. I sincerely apologize for my ignorant ways. There are no double standards in sports, and Nicki Minaj is the greatest rapper alive.
Also, I should have you know that I majored in Favreology in college. Get your pen and pad ready, I’m about to school you on the greatest quarterback ever. What follows is a rundown of previously unpublished Favre facts, based on reputable research and testimonials from sports contemporaries.
1. Brett Favre once ran 5 miles in 1.3 seconds.
2. Brett Favre doesn’t eat. He simply stares at the food until his body absorbs the nutrients.
3. Sharks have a week dedicated to Brett Favre.
4. Brett Favre once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
5. Every quarterback in the NFL lists Brett Favre as his emergency contact.
6. Brett Favre once caught his own touchdown pass.
7. In the Guinness Book of Sports Records, it says: “All records are held by Brett Favre.”
8. If Brett Favre were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
9. Brett Favre once threw so many touchdown passes that the NFL was forced to enlarge the scoreboard.
10. Brett Favre doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
11. There’s a sandwich named after Brett Favre in every city in the U.S.
12. Brett Favre’s organ donation card also lists his beard.
13. Brett Favre was once mauled by a bear. He still has the rug to prove it.
14. Brett Favre shot Nice Guy Eddie.
15. Brett Favre didn’t say “no” to drugs. Drugs said “no” to him.
16. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Brett Favre.
17. Brett Favre is allowed to break the first rule of Fight Club.
18. Brett Favre is allowed to break the second rule of Fight Club.
19. If Brett Favre were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the strong urge to thank him.
20. Brett Favre is the only man in history to beard fight Chuck Norris and survive.
21. Brett Favre is on a horse.