All right, you guys. MTV interrupts a Jersey Shore marathon to bring you the 2011 VMAs.
8:00 Lady Gaga is a cross between Bruno Mars and a retarded version of Robert De Niro.
8:04 She’s singing “You and I.” Boy, that facial hair looks mortifyingly real.
8:12 Kevin Hart is going on about how he didn’t get the hosting gig and whatnot. He tossed a barb at Lil Wayne: “Stop skateboarding–you’re black.” Wayne is genuinely pissed.
8:13 Nicki Minaj dressed down this year. And by dressed down, I mean…
Yo, I don’t care how crazy she looks, I’d still pound that elephant so hard you’d think I was trying to find the cure for cancer.
8:15 Best Pop Video – Britney Spears
8:23 Jay and Kanye straight bodied “Otis.” Lil Mama tried to get in on the action and got dragged off by security.
8:24 Baby gave Hov a head nod. Justin Bieber looks bored.
Best Hip-Hop Video: Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
8:46 Katy Perry just won for her collaboration with Kanye. I think I enjoyed way too much Katy Perry this year. Anyway, Katy tried to play Ye, talmbout “Your first Moonman, right? Ye: No, I got more.” Kanye just shouted out fellow nominees Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, and Busta Rhymes (“Look at Me Now”). Clearly Kanye thinks they should’ve won instead.
8:50 Pitbull and Ne-Yo are performing “Give Me Everything.” I’m convinced Pit got dressed by Diddy; Ne-Yo, on the other hand, stole his suit from Hobo the Clown. Real talk: That Pitbull album is non-stop party music, as in: it’s-5 a.m.-and-the-club-is-closed-but-you’re-still-on-the-floor-fist-pumping-party music.
9:02 I’m officially over 21 (blame radio, Starbucks, and yogurt shops for playing it into oblivion), but there’s no denying that ADELE murdered her performance. She looks like she walked right out of a painting–the black dress is simple yet elegant.
9:03 This has nothing to do with the VMAs: J. Cole is tweeting the Cole World tracklist right this moment.
9:18 Chris Brown is here. You know what that means? Bathroom break.
9:27 Gaga is here to honor Britney Spears. Something about the word “Legend” and “Britney Spears” just doesn’t sound right. Says Gaga: “I used to hang her posters on the wall and touch myself.”
9:29 OK. It just went from Gaga stanning over Britney to Britney stanning over Beyonce to a Beyonce performance.
9:30 Beyonce is doing “Love on Top.” “I want everyone to feel the love growing inside of me,” she says, smiling big. Undeniably the best song on 4. Her getup is a tribute to Michael Jackson: purple jacket, white shirt, black pants. Classic.
9:32 Bey gave the performance her all like she was auditioning for a record deal. She’s preggers and still 2-steppin’ in 6-inch heels like it’s nothing. Kanye is congratulating Jay. Jay is giddy as a schoolgirl. Bey rubbing her belly will go down as one of the most memorable moments at the VMAs. #thatshitcray
Best New Artist: Tyler, the Creator
9:32 Unfuckingbelievable. Easily the first surprise win of the night. Tyler says he’s speechless. “I didn’t prepare a ‘thank you’ speech,” he says. His mom is ecstatic, hands high, tears, everything.
Best Female Video: Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
9:58 Lady Gaga is high.
10:02 Hey, remember those J.Cole tracklist tweets I mentioned earlier? Well, it looks like Hollywood Cole got his Jay-Z verse after all.
10:21 Russell Brand handled the Amy Winehouse tribute well. He touches on “the disease” that claimed her life, reminding all that while Amy was incredibly talented, she wasn’t a saint. Stunning.
10:22 Bruno Mars is doing the musical side of the Winehouse tribute. #confusedasallhell
10:27 An orangutan has escaped from the zoo and stormed the VMAs. Strangely it bears an uncanny resemblance to Lil Wayne.