Kobe Bryant’s Wife Files for Divorce

Written by Rizoh. Posted in Gumbo, Sports, Ya Heard?!?!

Published on December 16, 2011 with No Comments

The marriage between Kobe Bryant and Vanessa Bryant has come to a screeching halt. TMZ has a long overwritten essay about the divorce. Here’s what you really need to know:

What happened:
“Hard to keep jimmy in zipper, when you got them bad Aunt Vivians with ya.”

What Vanessa wants:
Half of Kobe’s empire
Custody of their two daughters, 8-year-old Natalia and 5-year-old Gianna
Spousal support
Kobe’s nutsack on a platter

How long they were married:
10 years

On the matter of whether or not the couple had a prenup:
No prenup.

Kobe lost.

Fam, how you gon’ cheat on this chick more than once?

I mean, she stood by you when you butt-raped that hotel maid in Colorado (granted, it set you back $4 million). Allegedly. And she is somewhat attractive. Oh, that’s right, cheatery has nothing to do with any of that.

Update: The couple released a joint statement saying they have “resolved all issues” privately, with the assistance of counsel. Alright, you guys. That was all bullshit, it turns out.



Rizoh is the most powerful man in all the lands. He lives in Houston where he earned a BS in Nerf Herding. He's the founder of The Rap Up, the former editor of Roc4Life.com, and is in the Grammy-awaiting band Pervertable Disciples.

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