The marriage between Kobe Bryant and Vanessa Bryant has come to a screeching halt. TMZ has a long overwritten essay about the divorce. Here’s what you really need to know:
“Hard to keep jimmy in zipper, when you got them bad Aunt Vivians with ya.”
What Vanessa wants:
Half of Kobe’s empire
Custody of their two daughters, 8-year-old Natalia and 5-year-old Gianna
Kobe’s nutsack on a platter
How long they were married:
On the matter of whether or not the couple had a prenup:
Fam, how you gon’ cheat on this chick more than once?
I mean, she stood by you when you butt-raped that hotel maid in Colorado (granted, it set you back $4 million). Allegedly. And she is somewhat attractive. Oh, that’s right, cheatery has nothing to do with any of that.
Update: The couple released a joint statement saying they have “resolved all issues” privately, with the assistance of counsel. Alright, you guys. That was all bullshit, it turns out.