Cash Money head honcho Baby has announced the latest venture in his business empire: Cash Money Films. As we’ve learned from the exploits of Cam’Ron, Master P and State Prop, this is virtually destined to lead to nothing but awesomeness. So I’ve decided to unveil these movie pitches I’ve been keeping under the wraps because I’m sure that Birdman can turn these into the pillars of cinematic history they deserve to be.
Seriously, Baby, give me a call. Let’s get this guap fam.
The Real Her (a romantic comedy)
Drake and Nicki Minaj star as (surprise!) an unlikely couple falling in love despite their differences. Lil’ Wayne is Drake’s BFF telling him he’s whipped, and serves as the requisite funnyman. When the inevitable rift occurs between the couple Drake turns to a sage neighbourhood pimp (played by Birdman) for advice, saying he was right about “not loving these hoes” all along. Wizened pimp Birdman proceeds to tell him he only turned to pimping after his true love broke his heart ages ago and he regrets letting her go to this day. Drake then has to franticly find Nicki to finally profess his love in a scene which involves a lot of running in an airport.
Looks like: Happy montages, “oh you” looks, a PG-13 sex scene, crying, running in airports.
Get Carter (gangster flick)
A remake of the British 1971 classic starring Michael Caine (and 2000 remake starring Sly Stallone). When his brother dies in a car accident, ruthless LA gangster Jack Carter (Lil’ Wayne) suspects foul play and travels back to his former hometown New Orleans to investigate his brother’s death. Starring litterally everybody on the Cash Money roster as generic gangster in the Louisiana underworld and features a guest role for Jayceon ‘Game’ Taylor as Weezy’s LA business partner.
Looks like: A remake of a remake with more clichés, generic tough guys and shoddily filmed chase scenes.
Fast Money (Thriller)
A thriller set in the highest echelons of the corporate world. Drake stars as the junior exec poised to be promoted to the top level by mentor Birdman, while his plans are being thwarted behind the scenes by his jealous, less succesful fellow executives (Gudda Gudda, Tyga and Jae Millz). Nicki Minaj stars as his love interest, the sister of his arch-rival (Lil Wayne) who’s the top executive at the company’s biggest competitor. Victory over his opponents could mean losing the love of his life…
Looks like: This shit is like Wall Street for the hood yo!
Like Father, Like Son (Drama)
An intense family drama starring Busta Rhymes as a veteran returning from war, who feels he has been replaced as pater familias by his oldest son (Lil Wayne). He is distrustful of his son’s fiancée (Nicki Minaj), a woman he suspects to be after his son for money, which further strains their uneasy relationship. His rich brother, played by Birdman, tries to soothe his woes by spending on him, which in turn only makes him grow envious of the wealth his brother attained while he was off fighting for his country. Meanwhile, his younger sons (Gudda Gudda, Tyga and Jae Millz) are leery of this relative stranger, and envious of the attention from their rich uncle they are afraid to now become deprived of. Cousin Drake acts as an intermediate, a gentle soul trying to keep the faily together, but can anything but drama ensue when his sprained ankle makes him miss Thanksgiving dinner, just as tensions seem to rise to a fever pitch?
Looks like: Long shots of people staring meaningfully into rainy weather.
500 Degreez (Horror)
Tiny Lister stars as a centuries-old Moorish fire demon, who is accidentally summoned when a Cash Money weed carrier takes a peek into what he thinks is Weezy’s rhyme book, to steal a verse while they’re hanging out in the studio. Reciting a line from what is actually an ancient tome bought at an auction by Drake (because he’s intellectual like that), the demon appears and grants the weed carrier a wish for freeing him. He combusts from the inside out a splattering gore and CGI-flames after wishing to “spit hot fire.” It stars the half of the entire Cash Money roster (gotta leave some for the sequel) as themselves, dying heroically/horribly in order of importance (guaranteed to please haters and fans alike), until the new scream queen Nicki Minaj (prophecied as the one who can withstand the 500 Degreez in the aforementioned book) imprisons the demon again with some random Deus Ex Machina. …or does she?
Looks like: Basically Wishmaster with rappers. A horror flick where the black guys don’t die first for once.
See this Birdman? Let’s do business.