#FACEPALM BARS Vol.1: Rap Lines Too Awful To Ignore

Written by J.Monkey. Posted in Comic Relief, Spotlight, WTF

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Published on May 02, 2012 with No Comments">No Comments

We all have our guilty pleasures. Joints we know to be objectively bad, dumb songs, that we can’t help but enjoy. Hey, if the beat knocks, it’s hard to deny the appeal, right? There’s nothing wrong with the occasional lightweight rapper lending some ridiculous vocals to a banger, we all need levity sometimes. The key word here however, is sometimes. Right now, the game is flooded with struggle rappers that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a mic. You can tell me I’m “just hating” but you can’t tell me these lines weren’t already stale the minute they popped into the craniums of these guys.

Seriously, this isn’t just an old head lamenting on how rap used to be better, there’s plenty of articles on this very website about new school stuff we think is awesome. Matter of fact, we usually tend to ignore the wack (unless we deem it to ubiquitous and/or newsworthy to do so) and rather shine a light on what we think does deserve it. Enough is enough though. How much dough they make or ‘swag’ they have is irrelevant, these rappers with weak bars have dripped their wack sauce all over the game long enough now.

That’s why we’re calling ‘em out. Welcome to volume 1 of a new, hopefully not too oftenly reoccurring feature on TRU: #FACEPALM BARS. Not for the occasional slip-up or questionable metaphor, but for the mind-numbingly awful lines that somehow, someway, inexplicably*, still find their way in the world. The kind of bars were you suspect a “step ya rap game up, son” just won’t do anymore. Struggle bars. As in, struggling to form a coherent thought. And because this is the first edition, we’re honoring three simultaneous inductees to our hall of shame!

Fake Gucci, that’s that shit I don’t like
Smokin’ on this dope, higher than a kite

-Chief Keef “I Don’t Like”

Really Keef? This is almost beyond cliché. There’s a valid discussion going on about the influence Keef has on impressionable young minds over at TSS, but what really boggles the mind is this kid having any influence at all. He may think he’s big in Chi-town now, or on the web, but you can safely assume that for the vast majority of people, this song is their first impression of him. Still, you’re young and have plenty of time to learn. Listen to some Curren$y first next time you wanna say how high you are. The first impression is shot though.

Let me bust that U-ie, bitch bust that open
Might spend a couple thou’ just to bust that open

-Nicki Minaj “Beez In Da Trap”

Oh Nicki. The sad thing is, we have an audio-recording proving that you can spit, or at least could that one time for a minute and 22 seconds. This shit though? This ain’t even a rhyme, you just said the same shit twice. And you know it ain’t even rhyme, it’s just the same shit twice!

I won’t die for this shit or what the fuck I say

-Waka Flocka Flame “Hard In The Paint”

What’s so awful about that you say? Isn’t it his prerogative to decide what he gives his life to or not, you say? Well, “Yes, of course it is” would be the answer to both questions, since that line comes from the hook, which also opens the song. A song that features in it’s very first verse the following line:

I’mma die for this shorty man I swear to God

Come across a facepalm bar to awful to ignore? Hit us with a tweet.

* Unless you count “Illuminati” as a viable explanation.

J.Monkey

1982 was when Jaap van der Doelen aka J.Monkey shot his way out his mom dukes. A mere two years later he was already battling Big Brother and The Illuminati. Whenever he has time to spare from those efforts he writes (about music, mostly), hosts a radio show and designs graphics for a living. He lives in The Netherlands where he continues to be winning.

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