Straight Outta Brabant: The Good Ol’ Illuminati

Written by John Dukes. Posted in Spotlight, The Rap Up


Published on January 04, 2013 with No Comments">No Comments

Dukes is a beatsmith, historian and mailman hailing from the south of The Netherlands. He knows more about politics than you and is as nuanced as a brick through your car’s front window. This is his exclusive column for TRU. (the opinions expressed by Dukes are solely those of Dukes and do not represent the TRU board of editors).


I was listening to some old records the other day and wondered whatever happened to blaming whitey. Whitey was here a minute ago. Where did Yakub go? Ever since Dan Brown came along with some bullshit housewife novels it’s the Illuminati who are responsible for all evil that surrounds us. And I’m kinda sad about it. As a historian, I’m nostalgic like that. To me, hatin’ on whitey was always one of the most fun aspects in hip-hop. It didn’t make much sense to me, since the vast majority of all white people never saw any of the profits made from the great crime called slavery, but still, it was fun. Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s rant during ‘Rolling with U‘ is one of hip-hop’s unsung great moments to me. Brand Nubian was going to drop bombs on the Yakub crew. Dead Prez’ first two albums contain – besides some insight in their interpretation of socialism – some vintage hatred against whitey. But even my beloved Dead Prez went from pimpin’ the system and showing crackers the light to promoting buying groceries in black owned stores. That’s when they aren’t making fitness anthems, of course. I simply can’t be bothered listening to Dead Prez anymore. Could you please run up on them crackers in they city hall anytime soon? I need it. We need it. Hip-hop needs it.


Since I first heard about conspiracy theories I decided to peep what it all was about. I read Behold a Pale Horse and it just didn’t make much sense to me. When at one point the author publishes some classified documents which were found left behind in a IBM photocopy machine which was for sale at a surplus it didn’t do much for the book’s credibility. I think I’d start believing in Sinterklaas again before you can convince me that a secret organization dedicated to the subjugation of mankind has a member on their staff who’s rather forgetful when it comes to photocopying important documents and has an archivist that didn’t notice such important documents were missing from his archive. This is either the most retarded shit I ever heard, or the best prank of all time. So I decided to skim through it. Then came Chapter 15, The Protocols of Zion. Now it’s a known fact that this text is a forgery and has been used by anti-Semites worldwide to justify their despicable behavior. Hitler discussed the authenticity of it in Mein Kampf. Mr. Cooper changed some words, such as “jews” for “Illuminati,” and then tries to convince his readers that this forgery is the master plan for Illuminati’s global domination. This bullshit clearly wasn’t my cup of tea. I decided that drinking cans of the cheapest beer and blacking out in front of the Home Shopping Channel was a better waste of my time. Beholding the pale whores in my street has been much more insightful when it comes to understanding the power structures in modern society than Behold A Pale Horse has.

Rich people are always gonna fuck over poor people. It’s as old as money. It’s called capitalism. Even Puffy recognized this fact in ‘Hate me Now‘. Personally I just think the societal analysis by Marx and Engels is more relevant than the preoccupation of the average conspiracy theorist to which statue the rich and mighty pray and if they are joined in some faggy tree-house club with secret handshakes and other bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about the rituals of the people fucking me over; I just don’t wanna be fucked over. I don’t care which symbols and slogans are printed on my money, I wanna know which bastards decide whether my money loses its value or not. I’m from Brabant, I don’t give a fuck about the Illuminati. They don’t scare me. Christian-Democrats do.

But perhaps I’m wrong. Since I’m a member of the sheeple I got some questions for all you non-sheeple out there. Can you please tell me in which shady organization we need to place such fine examples of the human race as Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, Mullah Omar, Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Augusto Pinochet, Joseph Kony, Slobodan Milosevic and Genghis Khan? And if the Illuminati are so powerful, why is everyone able to post pictures of them on Facebook? And if you are such critical thinkers, why do you believe every retarded theory, simply because you don’t hear it on TV?

So the question remains: whatever happened to whitey? Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered. Thank God for the Illuminati. Me and my fellow crackers can finally listen to good rap music that doesn’t blame us for all the misery in the world. Jay-Z and his new posse apparently are guilty for that.

John Dukes

John Dukes lives in the crackho area of the oldest city in the Netherlands where he enjoys cheap beer, listens to the finest soul classics and anti-social New York thugrap, digs in the crates, makes beats, watches cultmovies and works at the mail - all while keeping it real since 1986.

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